looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
