The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
