everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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