god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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