That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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