Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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