Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
