My sheets look like a crime scene.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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