my mouth tastes like poor choices
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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