If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
