whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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