why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last time i carry you out of a forest
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
