Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
