u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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