I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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