What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
