I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
