guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
