im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
