Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
