You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
