Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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