Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
