i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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