So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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