I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
