Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
