A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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