I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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