He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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