he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
