It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
