and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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