6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
