i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
