I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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