Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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