I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
