I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
