I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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