he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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