I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
