We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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