I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
