He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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