last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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