Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
