You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
