The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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