She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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