I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
